Fishing

It just does not get any better than sitting with your friends at the lake, in silence and laughter fishing the day away. All the static and noise from life just seems to fade away. This was my 40th birthday weekend at Lake Hugo.

Long time, no post...

OK, so it has been a year since I posted. The more things change the more things stay the same. While we got over our heartbreak of losing C to a relative placement, we had 2 foster sons who came to live with with us in Aug and stayed 6 months. They also went to a relative placement. Now we have been told of another baby for which our home study was submitted. I have not given up but I have been overly cautious this go round. I am not getting my hopes up. In the mean time, I got a promotion and our puppy had heart surgery. So things have not been quiet. Anything but. . .

The best laid plans. . .

Well, the little boy that we planned on adopting is now out of our lives. He was taken to a kinship placement. We love him so much and know that we could provide a better life for him, one in which he has a real shot at making it in life we have no choice but to watch him walk into the hand of a relative he does not know. We ache because we know how traumatized he is right now wondering where we are. It was heartbreaking to turn him over into the hand of poverty and a family with a cycle of abuse a mile long but these are the decisions that the state makes. . . the decisions that are the best interest of the child. . .the child they have never met and really have no idea what is best. Do I think just because he is going to be living in poverty that he does not have a shot? No, but I know he now has many, many more obstacles to his success than he did a week ago. I will pray for him as I always have and will believe that this family will realize what a treasure they have in him and no only NOT hurt him but give him every opportunity to shine. I commit him into my Father's hands. . .that is the best place for him. . .as my own heart breaks . . .

Yep, it's been 8 months

HOME - I can't believe it has really been 8 months since I posted. . .ugh! But things have changed. We have managed to take all the classes and complete all the required paperwork to become foster to adopt parents. We have been spending time with a little boy we would love to adopt. A friend of mine is a foster parent already. We have gone through the gambit of emotions in waiting to see what will happen. As for us as a couple we are over joyed to hear about the news from California!
CHURCH - It seems so many people are getting cancer right now. I see life as this wide circle of people. People on the far outside of the circle may be people you only ever meet once and as you get closer to the center are the people you are close to. Then as the illnesses start popping up very close to you it makes you wonder if your next some times. I worry about that stuff a lot. I start by worrying about them then get caught up in the worry tide and become awash in fear. The Bible had 365 passages devoted to fear. You would think I would realize that God's got me covered on that. My pastor has stage 3 melanoma. A wonderful woman who has a heart of service and 4 adopted foster kids just found out she has brain, breast, bone and liver cancer. If you read this please send one up for them.
WORK - I continue to be perplexed that my whole work self-esteem is tied in with what my boss thinks of me and I am very tired of it. Why I allow myself to me caught up in the drama that is I just don't know. I guess it is because I expect that loyalty and support that I have shown all these years to be rewarded with the same instead of being met with "why don't you answer your phone when I call???" (Never mind that I am at my desk 24/7 and only left to go to the bathroom.)
Other stuff - I am also not speaking to my friends right now as they had the "oh we are so concerned about your health discussion". What I find interesting about being fat is that people feel like they have the right to discuss your issues. However if you were to bring up their OCD or HIV status or anything else they would be indignant that you comment on those things but some how the fat girl is just supposed to accept it.
Oh, I have vented enough and I know that next time I write I will have a positive things to say on every front. According to Joel's sermon I heard the other day, things don't happen to me they happen for me. These things are all preparing me for something better. God has something great planned for me.

The Vacation is over. . .back to the salt mines.

My wife and 6 of our closest friends (all couples) spent a beautiful long weekend at the lake. We talked late into the night, we shared and laughed a lot. I love having a circle of friends that are committed to a friendship. I dread the parade coming up. . .gay pride that is. We have been responsible for the float, giving up our weekends to work on it and I just could not even think about it this weekend. I wonder if anything has been done on it but we have spent so much time that I felt like someone else needed to step up. I am sure that tomorrow I will be freaking out. Also I got some steroids and my Crohn's flare-up seems to be better. Back to the lake . . . We spent time in fellowship that we would never have the opportunity to at home. It was a beautiful thing. The picture is a view from our cabin this morning as the rain came in. The fishing was good. The cabins were decent, much better than Lake Murray. We love the scenery at Lake Murray but they need to tear everyone of their 50 year old cabins down and start over. Anyway, these had great decks and kitchens. The guy who handled our check-in was a really sweet guy and very helpful, he bent over backwards to help us out. There were HUGE spiders but after we hosed everything down AND then sprayed with enough bug spray to fill a crop duster things were much less "buggy".

It's raging and it's back

I have been in a stage of remission from Crohn's disease for about 5 years now. It's funny how fast that time flies by when you are feeling good. I guess I never had complete relief but better than anything I had before. I was afraid when I had the lap band surgery that I would be thrown into a flare-up but no. So when I had a wound that would not heal because I was on Colazal which is an immuno-suppressant, I stopped taking it. I still felt good. Then I took that little sojourn to New Orleans and have been sick ever since but it's gotten much worse. I had surgery to correct a fistula and that never has healed so I am pretty miserable right now. However, when I get freaked out about it I have learned to talk to my problem about how big my God is instead of talking to God about my problem. I know that God is going to heal me and I will be better than ever. I have been on both sides of this and I know that soon I will be on the other side again soon enough. If you feel like you will not be on the other side of a problem soon talk to your problem about how big your God is.

The Anxeity Cometh

Why oh why do these waves of anxiety hit me. When I get stressed out something (chemical I assume) snaps and sends me easily into a rage. Even having a little xanax every now and then to keep the anxiety at bay some times just does not work. Then I wonder. . ."maybe everyone feels like this they just handle it better". Either way all I can do is acknowledge it and work around it. I think it is a culmination of my boss giving me more responsibility than anyone else (she doesn't hate me; she is "helping me grow. . .")trying to get the Pride Parade Float built and needing some time for me--dang it. Then I feel selfish. The wyfe just had knee surgery too which makes me the beck and call girl when I am the princess--dang it. Lord, forgive me for being a whiner. Phew. Vent over.
Chubby baby girl out.